| I'm so done with this name |
[26 Sep 2003|01:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Cure |
] |
I added some of you to my new name.
So if you wanna add me back then that's awesome.
<3 you guys.
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| Trippy TV !!! |
[24 Sep 2003|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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WeVsTheShark |
] |
I'm craving cucumbers on a salad.
Souper Salad tomorrow...
Mmmm...Salad bar.
I got three new pairs of jeans today.
and they look hella hot on me
someone should hang out with me...i'll show you the goods
I drove around with the top down.
I had alone time.
It felt good.
When you can be happy when you are by yourself...
When you can smile when no one else is around.
That's when you know things are looking up and you are content with life.
I am content.
The thrift store was nice.
After like...An hour of beating around the bush...
I asked Chris to spend the evening with me.
Thank you to him.
It was lovely.
Walmart.
Ice cream. thank you so much for buying...too sweet
Target.
The health/soap/beauty department.
Fries.
Good talks.
Two phone calls from Peter.
Second one = Time to see him.
Hung out upstairs with all of his friends minus Matt.
That's kind of a bummer...Cus he's crazy and wild.
He makes me laugh.
Fun anyway.
I was the only sober person there.
And it felt great.
TRIPPY TV.
" TRIPPY TV IS THROWIN' SHIT AROUND NOW!!"
lol.
I love it there.
I feel at ease...
Right at home.
And I love Bella.
She's a beauty.
So sweet...
Old school...
Laughter.
Coming home at 2:00 AM after sitting by the car for about an hour...
Debating on whether or not to leave...
I was supposed to be home by 1:00.
=)
I love this.
I love it sooo much.
I feel so fuckin' free.
By the way - I'm going to get my tattoo soon.
Just another thing to smile about...
A journal entry that's all happy.
No ups & downs.
Are you excited?
Me too.
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| This question...Questions too many things... |
[22 Sep 2003|02:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Verve |
] |
Why is simplicity always so hard for me to accept?
To handle?
I have to question.
Wonder.
" What if? "
Well, what IF this IS simple?
This IS perfect.
This is...So...Much better.
Why the fuck is it so hard for me to accept things?
Good things...
It's like I don't expect good things to happen to me.
And when they do.
I run.
And I run like hell.
I can't run from this.
I can't face it.
I can't accept it.
I can't ignore it.
It's there.
And the best thing that's ever happened to me...
He's torture.
Ironic.
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| There's a sountrack to my life... |
[19 Sep 2003|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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refreshed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Modest Mouse |
] |
And it's seems to be a broken record.
Rub my eyes.
Keep them closed.
It's so different this time...
Thoughts stream...
You are the life...
The lulling babble that never fades...
Track 5,187.
Seems to be stuck on repeat.
Skip, skip...Keep playing that moment...
Hurl foward...Wait, fucking rewind.
Tripped over your heart.
Fell into your arms.
Fuck, I've lost my track.
You'll have to be my map...
Follow those lines.
Those eyes...
you're fucking up the plans I had made
Does this make any sense to you?
Doesn't to me either.
______________________________________________________________________
I almost forgot...
I'm tired of the lectures.
You aren't the only one doing it...
So how about this...I'll fucking ASK if and when I need advice.
I honestly don't give a crap what you think of how I'm living my life.
It's my life..
And for once I'm living it.
I'm not worrying about tomorrow or the next day.
I'm breathing.
I'm ALIVE.
And you know what?
If I die?
Then HELL...
At least I died doing something I wanted to...
Died HAPPY.
I'm not playing it safe anymore.
I've been doing it for too long.
For once I'm taking chances.
And this is my huge chance right here...
I'm running to it.
As fast as I can.
And I have a huge smile.
So get over it.
You aren't as "wise" and "mature" as you think you are.
Please don't make me do this with you again.
I hate this.
And you KNOW me...
You KNOW I hate bullshit...
And you KNOW I can be crazy sometimes.
So why is it bothering you now?
You used to love that about me...
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| It's been just about 2 1/2 years... |
[16 Sep 2003|01:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Cranberries |
] |
Whew.
It's all good in the hood...Right?
Breathe, breathe, breathe
Will it be like this...On this day, every month, for the rest of my life?
Mmm.
Anyway.
Got my hair cut.
Refreshing.
Work tonight.
These are the days of my life...
Boring as fuck...
With friends being the highlights on every other day.
I can't wait to move out.
Any takers on being my roomates?
You know I'll <3 you forever if you wanna help me out of here...
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| I have a KoolAid mustache.... |
[16 Sep 2003|12:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
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music |
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Got you where I want youuuu... |
] |
Oh god.
Talks with him on the phone are hilarious.
Yes...him.
Let's put it this way...I know that his friendship with me is true and honest.
He's always there and makes me laugh like no other.
And that definitely makes him worth the little time that he claims.
- smiles -
He could have so much more of my time and I wouldn't ever feel smothered...At all.
So uh...Let's see....Friday was.....Work.
Yeah.
And seeing him.
And then Saturday was work all day.
No joke.
11AM-10PM.
Made lots of money.
Sleep over that night.
Crazy, crazy people...Too crazy.
Sunday was work...
And then I was taken out by someone.
OUT.
Dinner was paid for...Doors were opened for me.
Mmm...I love an old fashioned date...Seriously.
It makes me feel respected and really, really liked.
Anyway...Then there was back to his place to chill with the crazy folks.
Then back out to Kroger for midnight snacks.
Oh my.
Then today happened.
Yay for Aaron.
He rocks my socks like WOAH. Yeah...Like woah.
Get over it.
He's awesome and you're not.
HAHAHA.
OMG
LIKE
HE'S THE GREATEST AND I LOVED OUR "MOVIE NIGHT".
WHOO HOO YEAH YEAH!
Mmm...So anyway.
Saw Chris and Nate today...
And I really hope I see more of them...
Good people. Good laughs.
Good fuckin' times.
Now I have KoolAid right beside me.
Cold pizza.
A book.
And a bed that's lookin' mighty comfy.
I'm content. =D
Sidenote: I'm wondering how the hell my best friend is doin' over in Portland. Seriously. There's been no call...Wtf?
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| Awwww.... |
[11 Sep 2003|08:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Eric Clapton |
] |
How sweet!
Hah.
_____________________________________________________________
So...
Saw a ton of people I knew from highschool at the mall today.
Good times.
I especially loved seein' Daniel. =D What a sweetheart.
Too bad everyone's goin' into the Navy, Marines, or the Army.
That sucks.
Got a new shirt.
Two new necklaces.
And an offer to leave here...
Move away.
and i just might take that offer
Excitement...
Doors opened for me.
Smiles.
I'm a-ok.
Thank god for friends.
I had a good day, Andrew.
Thank youuuuu.
I feel like slow dancing...
Who wants to dance?
" You loooook wonderfulllll tonight..."
Awwwwww...What a good song.
<333
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| Three more days... |
[08 Sep 2003|12:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
Who am I gonna run to when I have tears in my eyes?
Who am I gonna laugh with...
Who's gonna make me hit the steering wheel from laughing so hard?
Who's gonna sleep over even on night where we have to get up at 7:30 in the morning?
Who's gonna pigout with me?
Best friend = Gone for months on Thursday.
Ehhh.
Ten polaroid snapshots...Two ice creams...Two movie tickets. One drink...One pack of M&Ms. I had a good night.
I'm gonna miss her.
---------------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note:
The Order was an amazing movie. Heath Ledger, dashingly beautiful as always. And that girl in the movie, I've forgotten her name, but she has pretty brown eyes...I guess brown eyes can be pretty? I never saw it before...Maybe that's just from years of seeing my own brown and dull eyes. It's like they hold no depth...Just boring...Or maybe I should just shut up because I guess I wouldn't see depth in my own eyes.
So, there's this scene in The Order, where his love is dying...Bleeding from her wrists right in front of him. I have never...Hardly ever seen such pain portrayed so well by an actor before. It actually touched my heart...Like I could feel the pain and the love he had for this woman. And it got me to thinking - I want someone to love me like that. Maybe someone does and I just don't know it...But it seems to me that if someone did - I would feel it, you know? But anyway...Just. I was about to cry in the theater there...And I don't usually do that with movies.
So what if it's just a movie and you think that love like that only happens in the movies. I believe it can be real. And I know that because...
Because I know my dad had to feel that pain when my dead mother was lying in his arms...
I saw the tears.
I saw the pain.
And I know he loved her more than anything in the world.
- I recommend that movie. -
---------------------------------------------------------
You are beautiful.
And you kill me with those eyes.
How can something so beautiful be sucha killer?
I don't understand this feeling in my chest that I get...
When our gazes meet.
I have to remind myself to breathe.
---------------------------------------------------------
Emotions are confusing.
Life is confusing.
And it all tires me.
My mind is on overhaul.
I think about things way too much.
And by the way.
It's nearly 1 AM.
There was no phone call.
Thanks. </3
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| You wish you had a smile this big... |
[07 Sep 2003|12:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the cure - lullaby |
] |
And here's why mine won't disappear:
- Read nearly half of a great book in the mall today...
- I was in the mall because I was waiting for Jonathan. Visiting him is always nice...
- Had a wonderful day at work. Seriously...Nothing too bad. Just busy busy busy...Always on the go go. But I like it there - It's like...Homey to me. I get along with most of my co-workers sooo good.
- After work, Peter and I went to see Freddy VS Jason. I think I laughed through the entire thing...And he wasn't helping with his comments. It was a good time...Hadn't been to the movies in a l o n g time.
Now I'm here. About to go wash my face, change into some sweat pants and a baggy tshirt, curl up in bed and just read until I pass out. You know how reading goes...One minute you're all into the story and the next you're drooling on the pages and you don't even realize it.
At least...That's what happens to me.
Sidenote - I'm ready to travel. I'm thinking of some places...And I'm definitely smiling at the thought. Just give me some drugs and place me on the plane. I'll be alright once I get there.
Ring. Awkward. Call me later. Click.
Fuck.
" You have endless ways you can commit suicide without dying dying. "
Hah.
This book is great.
Diary by Chuck Palahniuk.
Read anything by him...He's amazing.
My eyes are already slightly droopy.
Goodnight.
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| ... |
[06 Sep 2003|12:04pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Beyonce - Babyboy |
] |
OMG LIKE OMG!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOLOLHAHAHAHAHA!!!harharhar.
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| HEY...LOOK HERE |
[02 Sep 2003|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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MTV and Jonathan on the phone |
] |
I gotta new journal layout. Comment and tell me whether or not you dig it.
I dig it.
I'm a little scared you aren't...In this like I am...
In it for the long run.
I'm with you.
I don't have another heartbreak in me.
Over analyzation sucks.
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| I'm smiling and I shouldn't be. |
[30 Aug 2003|02:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
Reasons to be crying right now :
- Jacquie might be leaving for months.
- I'm sick.
- Work is screwing me over.
- When I eat I can't taste the food. So what's the point of eating? =(
- That time of the month.
- I almost puked this morning.
- I can't see Jonathan right now.
Reasons to smile :
+ Being in love.
+ Long phone time...Even if sometimes there are no words spoken.
+ A long day with baby yesterday...Cuddles...Talking. =)
+ I got two new books last night.
+ I'm going to shower in about...Two minutes.
+ Brushing my teeth.
+ Knowing what's in store for me...What the future holds. I know what I'm hoping and wishing for has to happen...Or I just won't be happy. Ever...It [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<b<will</b>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Reasons to be crying right now :
- Jacquie might be leaving for months.
- I'm sick.
- Work is screwing me over.
- When I eat I can't taste the food. So what's the point of eating? =(
- That time of the month.
- I almost puked this morning.
- I can't see Jonathan right now.
Reasons to smile :
+ Being in love.
+ Long phone time...Even if sometimes there are no words spoken.
+ A long day with baby yesterday...Cuddles...Talking. =)
+ I got two new books last night.
+ I'm going to shower in about...Two minutes.
+ Brushing my teeth.
+ Knowing what's in store for me...What the future holds. I know what I'm hoping and wishing for <i>has</i> to happen...Or I just won't be happy. Ever...It <b<will</b> happen.
+ Accepting what's happened and being able to laugh about things.
+ Knowing he's always there...Always always.
So...Basically two things to be excited for. Jonathan and books.
The bad should be weighing more than the good here.
But I'm an optimist.
It's all good.
<i>-breathe-</i> |
|
| This is where I smile... |
[29 Aug 2003|01:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tears for Fears |
] |
Things that made this day worth living:
+ New kickass hair.
+ Cute shoes.
+ New jeans.
+ Fuckin' awesome best friend.
+ TOO hot boyfriend.
+ Tears for Fears came on the radio.
+ Pizza? =D
+ Being taken out to lunch.
+ Jonathan visiting me during the bleaching and dying of my hair.
+ Jonathan and I taking cute pictures.
+ Watching Jonathan and Tyler play guitar together.
+ Falling in love more and more...One second after another.
+ Hide and seek. =D!!!!!!@@#!@!!
+ Kisses.
+ Hugs.
+ Ice cream from the gas station.
+ PRINCE...And of course Jonathan going crazy and singing "Kiss".
" I wanna be your FANTASY!! "
Speaking of kisses...
Here's a little somethin' somethin'...
Shut up.
I love this picture.
BE SO FUCKING JEALOUS
I'm lucky as crap...
I have it good. Everything is perfect...
|
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| - insert gagging noise here - |
[27 Aug 2003|07:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hopesfall |
] |
I changed my mind...
I am great.
And I'm in love.
With more than one thing.
And only one person.
But we won't go into that.
I don't want all of you to have to gag as well.
I am now a bartender at work on Fridays.
Cool.
Oh man. I wish I was cool.
...
|
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| No... |
[26 Aug 2003|09:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jimmy Eat World. |
] |
I am not okay.
|
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| Bubbles, you fag...The fuckin' happy bubbles... |
[25 Aug 2003|12:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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in love |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Beautifullllll...I just want you to knoww..... |
] |
I don't even know...
What the fuck to post.
Like what it should be because this is how I'm feeling or something...
ITS THIS:
dsfgadfkgh?!@312~!@3123hnkjfdgadfuighaa!!@#!@#
=DDDDDDDD
But no one can understand that I'm sure... so I have to try and come up with something better like...
I just had a wonderful night because of Jonathan.
He opens the car door for me first.
And other doors.
And scratches my back or plays with my hair outta nowhere.
And hugs me...And kisses me all the time. He doesn't care where we are...
He's never ashamed of me...
He thinks I'm pretty even when I'm butt ugly. =( Those days always suck...
He doesn't snore. Kickass.
I love his mom.
Him mom digs me I think.
That = Hell yeah.
He already knows a whole crapload about me.
Like what I would like to eat and what I wouldn't like to eat...
Example:
Nasty desserts ( all sweets...ew ice cream. nasty? ) = No no.
Yummy REAL food = Oh god...Yum.
He understands me.
I understand him.
We play fight...
But get that it's joking around and laugh about it.
We don't fight for real and get along almost too well.
He knows when I'm having problems and when to help...Or when to just back off.
He isn't jealous.
I'm not jealous.
We trust one another.
We have faith in what we have.
And most of all -
We love one another to pieces.
How could you not love him?
Great personality, great looks...Amazing smile. Good manners( unlike me - supposedly i'm rude as fuck. i dunno what these people are talking about. i say yes ma'am, no ma'am and yes sir, no sir damnit. )
Extremely talented.
And he dresses really nice too.
Get over it if you don't like reading about this.
One month today. =D
________________________________________________
I got home to this. I smiled bigger than you can.
xor be killedx: bagging groceries at kroger = super cute
Yeah. We're super cute. Maybe it was sarcastic but hey. Whatever, man. It made me smile.
<333 for Mig.
=( Miss that guy.
________________________________________________
I smell like...Laundry.
That smell kicks ass.
Like the smell of towels.
Homey.
I want to go dancing now.
I want to see Jacquie but I can't.
I got to see her once today though!
That was cool.
Bagging those groceries rocked.
Brrrrnnt.
It was good seeing her.
The tattoos WILL happen.
So soon.
My 18 year old woman! I mean SISTER.
<3333333 to JacQUIIIEE
EleFUNT.
________________________________________________
Tonight I have no choice.
This smile is stuck to my face...
Falling asleep happy.
About time.
Thank you thank you thank you thank YOU.
I think I really say goodnight here because this entry is long as crap.
You know you love it.
<333
|
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| I want to break your heart and give you mine... |
[21 Aug 2003|01:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Garbage |
] |
The show was awesome.
Gina was awesome.
I love my sister so much...One of my best friends - forever...But not that stupid middle school BS. Family = Forever...And she's all I have left. =)
Ehhh...Some other things are weird. I'm just praying they'll get better. =\ Certain things can never be understood or explained...They just are the way they are and I hope that can be understood. And I hope this gets better...Because it's important to me...One of the most important things in my life right now. Wait for that sound to break the anxious silence...
I want you to be so much. A friend, a lover, a teacher, a companion, a partner...A relationship that will never fade...Ehh. Too much too ask for. It always was...Always will be. This isn't about you or you...Or you. More about me. Maybe standards are set too high...Expectations of love too great. Wanting something extravagant...Getting something amazing. Still wanting more. Wanting what they have...What they HAD. Seeing it all my life...Wishing and praying for it...To be swept off my feet everyday. It can be reality. I've seen it before...
It happens with Gina and John. Still sweet and amazing relationship after eight years.
Expectations suck.
I need love like that. I want love like that. Even when I'm getting older...Getting fat. Becoming different physically.For the person I'm married to...To still love me. Just as much if not more because they love me for me...For the dork and nerd that I am.
Still that nervous silence...Forget it. Tomorrow will come with...New beginnings? New...Breaths. Breathe breathe...
I miss you. And you. You, too...You always.
|
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| plan it out...go me. |
[18 Aug 2003|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
95.5 |
] |
+ clean
+ pick up jacquie and chill all night.
+ possibly go get my hair did...again.
+ go visit my hunny at work. -smiles-
+ spend the night out and crash...somewhere.
+ wake up and get ready for show.
+ go to show and stay out all night.
+ crash somewhere.
+ wake up the next day and go to my sister's.
+ stay there for two days.
+ come home, rest, work on friday.
lots of baby. lots of jacquie. lots of fun.
sidenote: i love jonathan's mama.
|
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| Come down on the street and dance with me... |
[14 Aug 2003|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Weezer |
] |
Ew. I'm giggly.
Stupid.
Now I have a friend in the diamond business...
Ahaha.
That guy sucks.
I hate his voice.
I wanna shoot him in the face.
I had a good day overall.
_______________________________________________
1. woke up, saw jonathan.
2. recieved roses.
3. got really awesome things from the mall.
4. got weezer tribute again...hell to the yeah.
5. talked to my sister.
6. danced. went to my old dance studio...probably gonna end up dancing there again...
7. visited my lovely best friend...always a pleasure.
8. played games online with kat...cus we're nerds like that. but hey...we kick everyone's asses...stupid 12 year olds. " ITS CHALK YOU DUMBSHITS. " lol.
_______________________________________________
Tomorrow:
1. Waking up to go over and crawl into bed with Jonathan. That's all comfy soundin'.
2. Jacquie...We go shopping and out to eat. Hell yes.
3. Sleep? Yayayayayaya.
________________________________________________
Hey - I love you guys. <3
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] |
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a_stolen_season's journal
shocked